Today, I played the roll of stay-at-home Dad. The Superhero is sick, and since we don't have any kind of backup childcare arranged, I took a vacation day and looked after the boys.
On a side note; this puts into perspective the importance of our respective work. If The Superhero's job didn't get done for a day, there's a very real chance that someone might die. At the very least there would be much chaos, hunger, crying, and probably some kind of injury. As for me, if the code doesn't get written today... well, um, nothing happens.
We had great plans for the afternoon. I am by no means a childcare professional, but I've had enough days alone with our short and loud people to know that if there's nothing planned to break up the day and give it a little structure, the hours seem to crawl by. So we had plans: after lunch our youngest went for a playdate with his cousin, and the three older boys and I went for a walk to pick up some popcorn and came home to watch a movie.
This seemed great on paper; some exercise and fresh air followed by some down- (read adult-friendly-) time.
So we drop the little one off at his playdate, and the rest of us trudge off for the store, which is about a 5-10 minute adult walk away. Adult is the key word here. This does not take into account the seemingly infinite number of ways that twin 4-year olds and a 3-year old can find to stall, whine, complain, scream, stop, fall, trip, lose a mitt, ask to be carried, ask for a piggy back, ask for a shoulder ride, and tantrum in the snow. 1 and 1/2 hours after taking off, we arrive back home grumpy, tear-stained, wet and sore. And the kids weren't in great shape either.
And then, Twin B starts to scream. I don't think The Superhero has mentioned the twins' scream. It is surely the most nerve-grating, stress-inducing sound that has ever come up from the depths of hell. And it hasn't changed since they were born, it's only gotten louder. When he has calmed down enough to put some words together to describe his problem, they are: "I don't like popcorn.". Oh dear lord.
There is a happy ending to this story. 20 minutes later the 3 big boys are tucked in downstairs watching their movie. They have blankets and pillows and bowls full of popcorn. Even Twin B, who changed his mind and decided to eat the popcorn rather than scream about it. And where was I? I was on the main floor, alone, reading a library book with a coffee and some popcorn of my own.
I don't think I know anyone who has the same appreciation for calm, quiet adult time as The Superhero and myself. Although coffee was delicious, and the book was interesting, I'm sure that 90% of my enjoyment of those blissful 10 minutes of movie-watching and book-reading came from the rarity of that kind of adult indulgence (especially pre-bedtime), and the hard work that preceded it.
In some ways, this afternoon was a little microcosm of my adult life. We had 4 kids very close together. The last four years have included a lot of hard work similar to this afternoon, and required a lot of patience for various short people crying and whining and throwing food on the floor and pooping. In time there will be much more time for adult relaxation - our nest will be empty when we're 43. I always hope at times like this afternoon when I sat down to a short oasis of calm that my 43-year-old self will remember this and cherish the opportunity to spend an afternoon in a coffee shop with The Superhero and a book as much as I do today, but I know I won't. As time goes on and our freedom increases we'll forget to appreciate the time to ourselves and we'll get used to it.
But for now, as long as Twin B (as well as Twin A) continues to make that ear-splitting noise that makes me want to rip my ears off, these moments when I sit in the dim light of the living room in soft glow of the computer, and can hear nothing but the hum of the fridge and The Superhero flipping the pages of her book, will continue to induce a sense content happiness that I don't think is available in quite the same way to the rest of the world.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Marital Synergy
This past Sunday night, the The Superhero came down the stairs at about five o'clock and asked me "What do you want to have for dinner?".
This is an innocent-sounding question, and indeed on most days at the Superhero residence it would have been. However on this particular day, The Superhero had a special glint in her eye.
Today I'm going to tell you about the all the things that went through my head in the half-second following that seemingly ordinary question, since as unlikely as it may seem, it made me very happy.
First, you need to know about me and The Superhero and money.
I am anal about money. I like to save. I like having a budget. When our money comes in twice month it automatically gets distributed into virtual buckets so we know how much we have to spend on what. I look forward to doing our taxes every year... with pen and paper. These are things that would behoove everyone to do; however, I think it's totally unnatural to actually enjoy these things.
The Superhero, on the other hand, does not have quite the same pickle up her ass. She's an immediate gratification kind of girl. She's unlikely to go more than 24 hours between deciding to buy something and having done so. Like our car. And our house.
Needless to say living with me and sharing money has it's pros and cons. We will never have credit card debt. Our bills will always be paid on time. But in the early days of our marriage, prying money out of my icy grasp for anything more frivolous than buying pasta or paying rent was a challenge, and caused more than it's share of marital strife. It was a common occurrence to leave the grocery store together with big imaginary storm clouds over both our heads.
Over the last 6 years of marriage, some beautiful things have happened to our relationship. A number of aspects of joint lives have sort of locked into place, like puzzle pieces that each have a funny shape but fit just right if you twist them the right way, or running shoes that "mold to your feet", but give you blisters for a while, while you break them in. One of these aspects is money.
Today, this is how money works between us:
Which brings us back to "What's for dinner?". In the 1/2 second following that question, I see the glint in her eye and realize she has something in mind. She wants to bring in takeout (which is something we can rarely afford), probably sushi. And 20% of my happiness comes from that fact that I know I'll be having something delicious tonight that we don't have to cook, and 80% of my happiness comes from thinking about how far we've come in our money relationship, and our relationship in general. I know that we have $90 allocated to last us the next 6 days until the end of the pay period, and there's no way that $30 for sushi fits in there. But I also know that The Superhero has some evil-genius scheme to shuffle the books to make it fit in without going over-budget, and I know I have a lifetime of stress- and guilt-free deliciousness to look forward to as a result.
This is an innocent-sounding question, and indeed on most days at the Superhero residence it would have been. However on this particular day, The Superhero had a special glint in her eye.
Today I'm going to tell you about the all the things that went through my head in the half-second following that seemingly ordinary question, since as unlikely as it may seem, it made me very happy.
First, you need to know about me and The Superhero and money.
I am anal about money. I like to save. I like having a budget. When our money comes in twice month it automatically gets distributed into virtual buckets so we know how much we have to spend on what. I look forward to doing our taxes every year... with pen and paper. These are things that would behoove everyone to do; however, I think it's totally unnatural to actually enjoy these things.
The Superhero, on the other hand, does not have quite the same pickle up her ass. She's an immediate gratification kind of girl. She's unlikely to go more than 24 hours between deciding to buy something and having done so. Like our car. And our house.
Needless to say living with me and sharing money has it's pros and cons. We will never have credit card debt. Our bills will always be paid on time. But in the early days of our marriage, prying money out of my icy grasp for anything more frivolous than buying pasta or paying rent was a challenge, and caused more than it's share of marital strife. It was a common occurrence to leave the grocery store together with big imaginary storm clouds over both our heads.
Over the last 6 years of marriage, some beautiful things have happened to our relationship. A number of aspects of joint lives have sort of locked into place, like puzzle pieces that each have a funny shape but fit just right if you twist them the right way, or running shoes that "mold to your feet", but give you blisters for a while, while you break them in. One of these aspects is money.
Today, this is how money works between us:
- The Superhero is a rule follower. To a fault. I've waited with her on deserted streets in the middle of the night because the "Don't Walk" hand is up.
- I need rules to feel comfortable with money. I can't spend money happily unless I know which bucket it's coming from and how much money is left in that bucket.
- So The Superhero, who spends most of our money since she stays home with the kids and has time to do it, lives within the rules, to a fault, just like with the "Don't Walk" hand. And because of this, I always feel comfortable with whatever she buys.
- But that's not all. The beauty of this, is that The Superhero is a genius at maximizing what she gets within the system. And because of this, I end up with way better stuff than I would otherwise.
Which brings us back to "What's for dinner?". In the 1/2 second following that question, I see the glint in her eye and realize she has something in mind. She wants to bring in takeout (which is something we can rarely afford), probably sushi. And 20% of my happiness comes from that fact that I know I'll be having something delicious tonight that we don't have to cook, and 80% of my happiness comes from thinking about how far we've come in our money relationship, and our relationship in general. I know that we have $90 allocated to last us the next 6 days until the end of the pay period, and there's no way that $30 for sushi fits in there. But I also know that The Superhero has some evil-genius scheme to shuffle the books to make it fit in without going over-budget, and I know I have a lifetime of stress- and guilt-free deliciousness to look forward to as a result.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
The Chicken and the Egg
Just in case you thought this might be a blog you'd be interested in following, you should know that this is post is where I'm probably going to lose your interest. Maybe you read my first couple of posts and thought "Well, I'll give this guy a chance; I know I like The Superhero, at least I know all the history. Maybe it'll be neat to see another perspective on their lives!".
While the topic is of this post is of great interest to me, I have no illusions about the rest of the world and whether or not they care about this type of thing. However, if you have a few minutes to spare, I encourage you to open your mind and let me take you on a tour of one of my favourite things to do.
I want to write today about logical thinking. I'm reading Outliers right now. The author spends some time profiling a man by the name of Chris Langan, who is remarkable in that he has one of the highest IQ's in the world. After reading about him I googled him and found a page in which he has a general Q&A with people who send him questions. After all, what could be better than sending your trickiest problem to one of the smartest guys in the world?
There's a variety of questions that people have people have sent in, from deep philosophical questions to trivialities like "What came first, the chicken or the egg?", which was sent in from a newspaper.
As I read this, I could almost read the mind of the reporter has he typed in the question:
Finally the chance the world has been waiting for! An answer to one of the life's unanswerable paradoxes! I'll either stump the mega-genius, or bring the world an answer to one of the most oft-asked and seldom-answered riddles of them all!
Before I tell you what the genius said, I'd like to point out a couple of things...
1) Before coming across this Q&A website, I've thought about this question and figured out the answer.
2) That night before going to sleep, I asked The Superhero the age-old question. She gave it about 10 seconds of thought, and gave the right answer.
3) I believe the answer to this question is available to anyone with a basic understanding of evolution and can apply a little bit of logic to the situation. By no means is this kind of thing relegated to the realm of super-geniuses and monks meditating for years in isolation. Unfortunately logical thinking is something that not very many people have a lot of practice with in day-to-day life.
So without further ado, here is the answer to the question:
First, is there a clear answer to the question? Well, I think it's clear that there must be an answer:
A new species is created when one member of a species undergoes a genetic mutation in his/her reproductive cells; ie: sperm or egg in mammals. This member of the species reproduces and that genetic mutation causes a big enough change between the parents and the offspring that the offspring is declared a "new species".
So, the way chickens and chicken eggs came to be was the following:
While the topic is of this post is of great interest to me, I have no illusions about the rest of the world and whether or not they care about this type of thing. However, if you have a few minutes to spare, I encourage you to open your mind and let me take you on a tour of one of my favourite things to do.
I want to write today about logical thinking. I'm reading Outliers right now. The author spends some time profiling a man by the name of Chris Langan, who is remarkable in that he has one of the highest IQ's in the world. After reading about him I googled him and found a page in which he has a general Q&A with people who send him questions. After all, what could be better than sending your trickiest problem to one of the smartest guys in the world?
There's a variety of questions that people have people have sent in, from deep philosophical questions to trivialities like "What came first, the chicken or the egg?", which was sent in from a newspaper.
As I read this, I could almost read the mind of the reporter has he typed in the question:
Finally the chance the world has been waiting for! An answer to one of the life's unanswerable paradoxes! I'll either stump the mega-genius, or bring the world an answer to one of the most oft-asked and seldom-answered riddles of them all!
Before I tell you what the genius said, I'd like to point out a couple of things...
1) Before coming across this Q&A website, I've thought about this question and figured out the answer.
2) That night before going to sleep, I asked The Superhero the age-old question. She gave it about 10 seconds of thought, and gave the right answer.
3) I believe the answer to this question is available to anyone with a basic understanding of evolution and can apply a little bit of logic to the situation. By no means is this kind of thing relegated to the realm of super-geniuses and monks meditating for years in isolation. Unfortunately logical thinking is something that not very many people have a lot of practice with in day-to-day life.
So without further ado, here is the answer to the question:
First, is there a clear answer to the question? Well, I think it's clear that there must be an answer:
- Today, we have lots of chickens and eggs.
- There was a time in which there were no chickens or chicken eggs. The dinosaurs weren't squashing little chickens as they tromped around.
- Clearly we transitioned at some point between having no chickens or chicken eggs and having both.
- Since it's so tremendously unlikely that a chicken and a chicken egg were independently created at the instant in time, surely one of them came first.
A new species is created when one member of a species undergoes a genetic mutation in his/her reproductive cells; ie: sperm or egg in mammals. This member of the species reproduces and that genetic mutation causes a big enough change between the parents and the offspring that the offspring is declared a "new species".
So, the way chickens and chicken eggs came to be was the following:
- Whatever the direct ancestor or the chicken was (surely also an egg-bearing species), undergoes a genetic mutation, either through radiation or some other means.
- This member of the chicken-ancestor species mates with another member of its species, and produces the very first egg containing a chicken (ie: a chicken egg) that has ever existed on our planet. The egg has won one of the more famous races to existence.
- Shortly thereafter, the very first chicken emerges from said egg, coming in a very close second.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Emotions as a Second Language
I've become more and more aware recently that I seem to missing a gene. It's the thinking-like-a-normal-human gene.
When I think things through and make decisions, I'm emotionally detached. I see tables of options and pros and cons and the alternatives all get a a score for the expected outcome and I decide based on that. There are frequently graphs and pie charts, and last night there was even a Venn Diagram. Really there was, ask The Superhero.
Sometimes, this is great. There are lots of situations where emotions do not help you make the right decision. And lots of situations where math-type thinking will solve your problems. However, consider the following conversion:
The Superhero: "The scale was mean to me this morning; I gained 4 pounds."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh no."
The Superhero: "I think it may be hormones though," (The Superhero just came of a medley of drugs in connection with her recent egg donation) "I don't know if I should try to lose the weight or just wait until my hormones even out."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh, you don't need to lose weight, you're beautiful!"
Mr. Superhero: "Don't be silly, you look great!"
No, no, no... hold on a second, that would have been sensitive; here's how it really went...
Mr. Superhero: "Well, maybe you should have a losing phase; set a 5-pound target range and stay within it."
The Superhero: "But I think it's just hormones, I don't want to put in a lot of work if it's just a temporary problem."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh, then you could raise your 5-pound range for a scheduled period; stay within x+5 and x+10 for 4 weeks and then go down to x to x+5."
The Superhero: "But you don't know what it's like as a woman to wait that long."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh, then go to x to x+5 right away, or make the delay whatever you --"
The Superhero: "Stop! Just stop! The right thing to say is "No dear, you look great"."
Not only did I totally miss the point, but all the while I'm visualizing the potential graph or weeks vs. weight and the light gray band of acceptable weight ranges.
The Superhero talks about how she varies how she argues based on who she's talking to. With me it's always logic since "That's all I'll listen to", but with a girlfriend she might appeal to sympathy, or frame a request as an opportunity to help out and be important.
I'm missing this dial to be able to shift back and forth. I can kind of understand the other kinds of thinking. But only with some effort, and it's always kind of like a second language to me.
When I think things through and make decisions, I'm emotionally detached. I see tables of options and pros and cons and the alternatives all get a a score for the expected outcome and I decide based on that. There are frequently graphs and pie charts, and last night there was even a Venn Diagram. Really there was, ask The Superhero.
Sometimes, this is great. There are lots of situations where emotions do not help you make the right decision. And lots of situations where math-type thinking will solve your problems. However, consider the following conversion:
The Superhero: "The scale was mean to me this morning; I gained 4 pounds."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh no."
The Superhero: "I think it may be hormones though," (The Superhero just came of a medley of drugs in connection with her recent egg donation) "I don't know if I should try to lose the weight or just wait until my hormones even out."
No, no, no... hold on a second, that would have been sensitive; here's how it really went...
Mr. Superhero: "Well, maybe you should have a losing phase; set a 5-pound target range and stay within it."
The Superhero: "But I think it's just hormones, I don't want to put in a lot of work if it's just a temporary problem."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh, then you could raise your 5-pound range for a scheduled period; stay within x+5 and x+10 for 4 weeks and then go down to x to x+5."
The Superhero: "But you don't know what it's like as a woman to wait that long."
Mr. Superhero: "Oh, then go to x to x+5 right away, or make the delay whatever you --"
The Superhero: "Stop! Just stop! The right thing to say is "No dear, you look great"."
Not only did I totally miss the point, but all the while I'm visualizing the potential graph or weeks vs. weight and the light gray band of acceptable weight ranges.
The Superhero talks about how she varies how she argues based on who she's talking to. With me it's always logic since "That's all I'll listen to", but with a girlfriend she might appeal to sympathy, or frame a request as an opportunity to help out and be important.
I'm missing this dial to be able to shift back and forth. I can kind of understand the other kinds of thinking. But only with some effort, and it's always kind of like a second language to me.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Why blog?
First of all, let's get this straight: you don't want to be here. You want to be over here with my Superhero wife. You'll hear about the same people, places and things, but from someone who knows how to write, and from someone you'll like much better. Trust me, if you met us as a couple, you'd like her, and find me kind of aloof and you'd think I don't like you.
That being said, if you're still reading, let me tell you a little bit of why I wanted to start a blog and what you might find here if you tune back in from time to time.
My life is full. I don't just mean that I have a lot to do and not much free time; it's that my day to day existence is packed full of thoughts, feelings, opinions, events, people, responsibilities and combinations thereof. I want to have a record of all the things that are going on through this part of my life so I can remember them later. Most likely I'll find myself looking back and remembering what I dope I was back when I was 27, but nonetheless I'll enjoy giving my 47-year old self a pat on the back at how far I've come.
For instance, life at home has gotten way easier over the past year or so, compared to the preceding 3 years. I'm still a lot busier than you. I have 4 little boys in a 1600 sq. foot house that make conversation impossible about half the time. But, consider that the 4 of them will get out a board game on a Saturday morning and give The Superhero and I a half hour to ourselves with coffee in bed to start the day. I want to look back and remember this transition.
I also have lots of thoughts and opinions. Lots of them. I know everyone does too, but I really think mine are actually smart and right. See, I told you you wouldn't like me. Not only do I want to remember of these as they evolve, but I'd love to get feedback on them as well. Lots of them are difficult to share with the outside world, sometimes because the subject is sensitive, and sometimes because I think about things that are so utterly boring that I can only get The Superhero to listen to me. And then only by promising to make it quick, and possibly also by promising coffee in bed on some upcoming weekend morning.
So welcome! I sincerely hope you find something that piques your interest here. Otherwise, no need to worry, I'm sure you'll find something else to your liking on the internet.
That being said, if you're still reading, let me tell you a little bit of why I wanted to start a blog and what you might find here if you tune back in from time to time.
My life is full. I don't just mean that I have a lot to do and not much free time; it's that my day to day existence is packed full of thoughts, feelings, opinions, events, people, responsibilities and combinations thereof. I want to have a record of all the things that are going on through this part of my life so I can remember them later. Most likely I'll find myself looking back and remembering what I dope I was back when I was 27, but nonetheless I'll enjoy giving my 47-year old self a pat on the back at how far I've come.
For instance, life at home has gotten way easier over the past year or so, compared to the preceding 3 years. I'm still a lot busier than you. I have 4 little boys in a 1600 sq. foot house that make conversation impossible about half the time. But, consider that the 4 of them will get out a board game on a Saturday morning and give The Superhero and I a half hour to ourselves with coffee in bed to start the day. I want to look back and remember this transition.
I also have lots of thoughts and opinions. Lots of them. I know everyone does too, but I really think mine are actually smart and right. See, I told you you wouldn't like me. Not only do I want to remember of these as they evolve, but I'd love to get feedback on them as well. Lots of them are difficult to share with the outside world, sometimes because the subject is sensitive, and sometimes because I think about things that are so utterly boring that I can only get The Superhero to listen to me. And then only by promising to make it quick, and possibly also by promising coffee in bed on some upcoming weekend morning.
So welcome! I sincerely hope you find something that piques your interest here. Otherwise, no need to worry, I'm sure you'll find something else to your liking on the internet.
About me
I have a busy life. It's so busy in fact, that the most common reaction when people learn about me is confusion and disbelief. However, my current reality is an oasis of calm and tranquility in comparison to the last 4 years or so.
The main contributor to the chaos is my very favourite person, my Superhero wife. She is really the very best person there is to be married to, and perfect for me.
Spots 2,3,4 and 5 go to my 4 wonderful little boys, born Sept./04, Sept./04, Jan./06 and Jul/07, which puts them at 4,4,3 and 1.5 respectively at the moment.
Most of the rest of my time goes to a local smallish high tech company where I work as an engineer. Whatever scraps remain go to my hobbies: reading non-fiction, chess, running, swimming.
So that's me... consider yourself introduced!
The main contributor to the chaos is my very favourite person, my Superhero wife. She is really the very best person there is to be married to, and perfect for me.
Spots 2,3,4 and 5 go to my 4 wonderful little boys, born Sept./04, Sept./04, Jan./06 and Jul/07, which puts them at 4,4,3 and 1.5 respectively at the moment.
Most of the rest of my time goes to a local smallish high tech company where I work as an engineer. Whatever scraps remain go to my hobbies: reading non-fiction, chess, running, swimming.
So that's me... consider yourself introduced!
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